Messages in Communication

“I” Message

“I” message – speaks about the reaction that another person’s behavior evoked in us, about what hurts us, and what our feelings are. e.g., “When you don’t look at me during our conversation, I get the impression that you are not listening to me and I am sad because of it, as I feel ignored”.

The “I” message allows us to express our feelings and expectations towards another person in such a way that they are not perceived as hurtful and do not undermine their self-esteem. A given problem is accurately named and explained here, so there is no room for guesswork, which often leads to misunderstandings. Additionally, such a message is solution-oriented and opens up discussion. It can be used both in unclear conflict situations and when we are satisfied with the other person’s behavior and want to tell them about it.

How to build an “I” message?

FACT – inform the interlocutor about what you noticed. Try to refer to specific behaviors, so say what you see or hear, e.g., “Once again you didn’t clean up after yourself in the kitchen”.

EMOTIONS – inform the interlocutor about how you feel regarding their behavior, e.g.: “I’m sad”, “I’m angry”, “I’m annoyed”. Note that you shouldn’t say: “you annoy me”. In this way, you transfer the responsibility for your emotions to your partner, which means that you have no influence on them, because if they behave similarly, you will react similarly. By saying: “I’m annoyed” you separate the stimulus (e.g., the partner’s lateness) from your reaction (annoyance). The partner is still responsible for the stimulus, but you are responsible for the emotions, so you can control them.

NEED – inform the interlocutor what behavior you expect / need so as not to get angry or frustrated next time. Do not demand. Inform and leave the choice to the other person. They are not there to fulfill your whims, but if they care about a good relationship with you, they will probably try to change their behavior.

Step 1:
Describe feelings

Describe your feelings.

Step 2:
Name the behavior

Name the specific behavior of the other person.

Step 3:
Describe the consequences

Describe what the consequences of this behavior are for you (what does it do to you)?

Step 4:
Describe expectations

Describe what behavior you expect (your needs).

Step 5:
Talk about consequences

Optionally, talk about the consequences if the behavior does not change.

Other tools  in the area of
Messages in Communication

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