In the first step, pay attention to what is a fact and what you have actually noticed. Avoid judgment and subjectivity, especially your own interpretations of the other person’s behavior, which can be perceived, for example, as criticism.
Useful questions you can ask yourself:
- What happened?
- Who did it?
- What did the person actually do/say?
Try to identify and name your feelings that arose in the face of the event. The key here is that you focus on words that describe your internal experience (e.g., I am disappointed), and not words that describe your interpretation of the other person’s actions (e.g., I feel that you don’t care about my opinion).
Questions that might be useful to you:
- What did I feel in a given moment?
- How did the other person feel?
The next step is to identify the needs that arise from the feelings recognized in the previous stage. In this way, you highlight the issues that are important to you.
Questions you can ask yourself:
- What is important to me?
- What do I need?
- Which of my needs was not met?
You already know what you need, so this is the right moment to ask for it. Remember that your request should be clear and specific. Do not forget that the request may not be fulfilled. In this situation, avoid getting nervous and resentful.
Helpful questions:
- Is there anything I would like to ask the other person for?
- What would I like to ask the other person for in a given situation?
- Is there anything I would like to ask myself for?
